Catch the Falling Stars

"To dream that you are smoking indicates that you are trying to shield yourself and others against your emotions."

One dream the other night, another dream during my nap this morning

uber hot asian guy at a party last night...beautiful to look at.
 threw a drink at a guy for the first time in my life because he fucking deserved it
  woke up at 9 this morning...and have been in my room ever since.
   very much anti-people/life today
     getting frustrated with amount of social, emotional, academic, sexual pressure here...break will be wonderful 
      mom's visit was wonderful
       not having a camera at all is killing me...i miss photography
        standstill                                                                                                                                  
         void
          it's been exactly one year and i don't even know why i hold onto any part of it


it's not enough to just "get some".....even if a guy were in the picture, i'd need more

 I refuse to put up with any more bullshit from guys. I can't allow myself to fall for the stupid things that always get me. I'm better than that. I deserve someone who's real and I think I may have to take on the tough bitch attitude without actually becoming a bitch. I have to stay strong this time or else I may crumble.

 he's just like jacob black lol

 I haven't posted in a while, but then again I haven't done much of anything in a while. Which would explain the gaining weight. It really does bother me. Fucking blubber. And yay pink eye not allowing me to wear contacts or make up to make myself feel the tiniest bit better. 

This whole house to myself thing has been kind of nice. Proves my independence I guess. Making my own dinner, doing all the household chores, but I really just love the quiet. I mean I've been kind of a recluse these last few weeks so the alone time had been fun. It does get lonely though. 

I really need a new sleep pattern. I need to do more things with my life. Bah

i seriously feel like i give more than i take from people. i'm always the one to listen to people's problems and offer advice and empathize or sympathize with them, them try to comfort them and offer advice. i show them how much i care about them. lately it seems that if i try to say what's bothering me or what's on my mind that people move the conversation straight back to themselves. no reaction to my shit or why i'm upset. just back to them.

this is why i tend not to open up to people...

the break up was completely unexpected. it's finals week so i have no time to recover or feel any of the pain. all of my emotions are just festering and i know once i go home they will pummel me like an 18 wheeler.
i hate not being able to feel...i hate not being with him...

 still kind of in the same place mentally. i still really don't want to be in school itself but there's no way i could leave or take time off. that's what the summer's for. just somewhere along the line i decided i was done here and now i'm suffering because of it. i have 5 days to do a research paper and there are just too many things for me to do with not enough time. i'm just becoming bitter and taking it all out on my world. food's a huge issue again...huge. it's killing me that i gained all that weight back and i can't deal with all this anxiety without falling back on food. so even more pounds will be packed on. that's always the most significant thing that gets me.
i want to do well and i want to be motivated but who knows if that will happen. i really did have a bright future i swear haha

this is the first weekend i'm not allowing myself to go out because i need to get shit done. it just happens to be one of the most beautiful and eventful weekends we've had on campus in a while. guess that's what i get lol

and there's something i have to talk to my mom about that's been kind of hanging over my head and i really don't know how to bring it up. but like it has to be discussed. gah

i can't wait to have a job again and have money. i just want to have enough money to visit everyone i want to over the summer. it's going to be rough if i have to choose between what i do. and i really feel bad relying on my parents so much for money. shouldn't i be responsible by now? gah

 why is it that i can never post anything here that's happy? it's always when i'm about to burst that i feel the need to write. i don't even have an explanation for this shit. i just can't take it anymore...i need to get out of here. get out of the routine. go back to people that get me. go back to people that will respond and help me when i'm down as opposed to moving onto a different subject. go back to people i feel comfortable opening up to. go back to being able to breathe. school is just not for me right now and what a time to discover this...less than a month before finals and this is a time when i should be savoring my time with these people. savor being able to see my boyfriend every day...
but instead i'm struggling to hold onto anything and not saying anything. putting my anxiety into food...gaining back the 15 pounds i lost while every day i have these people constantly talking about weight. and either they share my worry about gaining and explaining how they hate their body too or we have these people that are skinny, know it, and make it known.
this just isn't a healthy environment for me anymore. i so desperately need a change of scene but i'm stuck here until may 19th and i haven't seen home in so long. i need home. i need to not be faced with this pressure of my future. i need to not be in school. this sounds terrible, but honestly i just have no desire to learn anymore. i'm done. i'm done doing poorly. i'm done feeling stupid here. i'm done having to be silent in conversations because i have no fucking clue what people are talking about. this is not for me. i am not at the intellectual level that you people are. 
i'm scared. i'm scared i won't have the future i want. i'm scared i'll never be able to express any of this. i'm scared he doesn't love me. i'm scared i won't be able to stop eating like i am. i'm scared i won't be able to lose the weight again. i'm scared i'm losing loved ones. i'm scared i'm going insane. 

i'm scared because i know i'm failing.

 today is no good. i hate being such a sad bum and i hate that i can't pinpoint a rational reason for being so upset. 

it hit me a few days ago that i have about a month of seeing aaron every day left. then he goes off to california for the summer and i will probably only see him once. i really want to trust myself to be able to maintain this and i want to more than anything. god this is the most solid relationship i've had and i really don't want to be stupid about the distance over the summer. 

i've come to rely on food as my comfort again this past week. i hate it so much. i worked so hard to lose almost 15 pounds and i don't know where that control went. fuck. 

i've been so mentally and emotionally incapacitated...i can't dig myself out of this and i'm not getting any work done. which makes me feel even more pathetic and melancholy. 

shit just let me be skinny, strong, independent, and content please.

i hate that my anxiety's been high again. like every time i'm alone it just gets really bad. it's odd how physical it is too...today during class my chest tightened up and it got a lot harder to breathe and i just couldn't understand it. i hate that i have anxiety...i still haven't accepted it as a part of who i am. i think it's been prominent these past few days partially because i am so behind in my work at school. it's partially because i'm not back into my healthy eating pattern again...like i had such good control before and i want that back. i was so proud of myself for not eating sweets at all...i miss that. i want to stay at this weight and going back terrifies me more than it should. 

but i just feel like i'm messing up and not passionate about things anymore. i want classes to be over because i'm not interested in them anymore and i know i'm not learning. i hate knowing i'm wasting my education right now. it's absurd to be going to such an expensive school and not doing things right. god what am i doing? where did my drive go? i was thinking about how different my study habits were at the beginning of high school and in middle school. i would go over my notes so much and hardly half-assed my homework. i'm just angry with myself for slipping...and that only adds to my anxiety.

i guess it's good i'm being forced to go to counseling tomorrow. maybe i'll start it up again...maybe it's just something i need in my life. i just thought i could try some time without it but it snuck back up on me again...maybe it's a sign haha. 

where the fuck is all this judgement coming from? like of all people....my friends?!?!
"you need to get your priorities straight"
"we don't want to lose you like we lost [.....] when SHE got a boyfriend."
"why do i never see you anymore?"
chill the fuck out! i didn't see everyone all the time as it was and everyone is stressed and everyone has more shit to do. it's just not right being judged by your friends. like these people are my true friends and of course i want to see them and i put in the effort to see them still. but this relationship is still new and i'm trying to balance seeing my friends, going to classes, doing my work, seeing the boy, and trying to figure out just what this relationship is and where it's going. i'm not isolating myself. i'm not spending all my time with him. have they thought about the fact that i've been dying this week and have been trying to hide the fact that i'm depressed slightly right now? so much is going on and my own friends are breaking me down. this is not how it should work.

i have to thank God for jersey though. she walked in as i was writing this and it could not have been better timing. fiona is my best friend here and i know i will always want her in my life. talks like the one we just had assure me that our the bond we have can't be broken ever. i love her and i am so glad she lives in my hall.

so yeah this week has been hell. i really haven't slept at all and i've been waking up feeling inexplicably upset. but aaron is seriously a bright spot in my day. i haven't felt this way in a really long time...

 So quick update about life because I feel it's needed

1) I'm going to Ecuador for Spring Break
2) I've lost 10 pounds! Only 5 more until my goal
3) I actually got sleep last night
4) I adore spending entire days with my best friend, Fiona
5) My Education class may just kill me with how much I have to read
6) So there's this boy...and I think something may happen soon...and I think I'd love that
7) I basically had a Heath Ledger movie marathon today
8) I will hopefully will get a job at the on-campus nursery soon
9) I miss my sister a lot
10) I'm trying to generally dress nicer and do my makeup more natural

I'm still the same fucked-up girl, but these changes I'm making in my life are helping me move towards a happier life. Let's hope it sticks 

 6 down...9 to go. guh i'm getting there at least

i've lost some things. i'm not writing. i'm not painting. i'm not performing music.  i'm not taking photos (well photography wise. definitely taking random pointless pictures.) i'm clearly not fencing or doing colorguard.

i realized today in my contemporary ed class that i just seem to want to get through things...not work through and enjoy them. it's as if i don't see a purpose. i've become uber lazy and just want to never do the work i need to do. i'd rather be out living life and it's difficult for me right now to sit down and fucking focus. there are so many "should"s swirling around. i think if i knew where i wanted to take my career path, this would be easier. just nothing is striking me anymore and i don't think i want to be a teacher. it's not like i can just be a freelance photographer or writer and earn enough money to live on. i'm not that good at either.

and boys. boys boys boys...oh boy. i think i'm scared. i mean there are possibilities but guh. and i this may sound weird but i feel in my heart that it's the right time for a relationship but ah. i'm nervous to initiate something myself. last semester i saw just how easily my heart can be manipulated and tossed aside so it shatters. i need someone good who will take care of my heart and accept the fact that it's held together with poor quality scotch tape. to have that comfort with someone again is something i crave. and i know i'd be a good girlfriend. i've learned. 

i'm rambling. i'm tired. i haven't done the work i need to tonight. i just wish i could go to sleep and have someone there waiting to hold me while i dream of happier times.

 ok so...life. well break is coming to an end and in a way i'm sad to see it end mostly because it means jen has to go back to north carolina. having her live with me in new jersey has been so special and great for me. without her i just know there's something missing but since she's been here i just haven't been as sad and definitely not depressed. she is pretty much the only person that can do that for me. she leaves sunday and that just seems so soon. but having her here just makes me feel more complete.

and the same thing goes for fiona. when i went to visit her last week it was just what i needed. i really don't like not living at vassar with her and seeing her every day. she's so significant in my life even in the few months that i've known her and being able to visit her was so incredibly necessary. i love her family and i think her dad is one of the most hilarious and intelligent men i have ever met. i seriously feel like her home could be a second home for me and her family could be a second family for me.

i'm so lucky to have such significant friends in my life. they keep me grounded when i lose hope in many other aspects in my life. i'm not always able to grab onto reality, but they help me do it.

i was hanging out with jen, kevin, melissa, matt, and lauren tonight and we were reading fortunes and stuff and mine was something like i'm at a blind standstill in my life and eventually a part of me will die and i will learn to look at the positive of experiences. i do feel like i've been at a standstill, emotionally and relationship wise. i'm so happy that my close friends have significant others and that they are happy but of course that tugs at me a bit because i haven't been in a true relationship in a while. that's obviously going to cause some loneliness. i've been trying to fill the emotional void with some superficial things to try and make myself feel better, but those things can only last for so long. but i'm trying to get past the sadness and i'm trying to really focus on me and fixing myself up but it's so difficult. that's not how my mind works...i always go for the negative and it doesn't help that casey is still constantly on my mind and in my heart. time...time time time is the name of the game for now. i need to let go of certain emotions or channel them differently it's just a matter of figuring out how.

i really miss fiona and other friends from school. i feel kind of incomplete.  i really miss casey.
and i'm legit falling back into depression...i'm almost there i can tell. i don't like it. i don't like any of it. i don't ever want to go out. i want to stay in all night and paint my pain away. i want my parents to leave me be. i want someone to fix me but i don't know who to ask to fix me because i couldn't do that to anyone and i don't know where to start the fixing.

 i wonder if it was love...i think it was. i wonder if it still is...or ever could be again.

 I love this girl named Fiona. 
She is beautiful and smart

i am fucking up my life...plain and simple. i do not belong here. i am fucking everything up. vassar does not need someone like me.

and i am getting so angry at those i am closest to. so angry. but i'm hiding it. i'm good at that...so good.

 i need an escape...a way to break free of this constricting prison that is my body...i'm getting desperate